Saturday, June 4, 2011

Top 10 Halloween Sex Positions according to

As stated in the title, originally appeared on I had to copy it just because...

This article is intended for entertainment purposes only; its content should not be taken as practical advice.

The time has come to breathe new life into Halloween -- to replace the confectionary-fueled fun you enjoyed as a kid with the pheromone-laced action you want as an adult. After all, you probably won’t be spending All Hallows' Eve donning masks and egging cars outside the house, so shouldn't you at least be releasing your inner demons inside the bedroom? This is something that is easily done with the help from some evil Halloween sex positions. So, while we’ll happily leave the Kama Sutra to hippies, yoga nerds and people who treat scented candles as a lifestyle, those of us more partial to dancing with devils in the pale moonlight will be generating shrieks and moans this year courtesy of the following Halloween sex positions.

No.10 Ghost Rider
Before you start writing us letters about this one, we want to make it clear that we’re not suggesting you set your partner’s head on fire while she’s faced the other way in doggy style -- that would fall under a "Mike Tyson Sex Positions." No, the Ghost Rider is much more humane, though slightly tougher on the eyes. The way it works is that when the female is riding the male, the man puts a white sheet over her head -- all while resisting the overwhelming urge to cue up the Ghostbusters theme on his stereo.

No.9 Grave Robber
The key to this Halloween sex position is finding a successful mix between the sexual thrill of robbery and the somewhat unappealing odor of putrid human innards. The way it works is that you wait for your girlfriend to fall asleep, then you ransack your laundry hamper and surround her with dirty, dank clothes to mimic the atmosphere of a grave. Once you’ve buried your corpse -- er, partner -- you give her the unexpected thrill of luring her back into consciousness with oral sex.

No.8 Tail In The Crypt
Let’s face it: The first thing that comes to mind when you project sexual deviancy on a high-pitched decomposing corpse is Michael Jackson; but don’t worry, our carnal take on the famous Tales from the Crypt TV series is much more legal. In this Halloween sex position, you and your partner make your way under your bed (the “crypt”) and engage in anal sex (the “tail”) -- we leave it up to you (the “crypt keeper”) to decided whether or not you’d like to annoyingly stimulate your partner with scratches to her back.

No.7 The Scarecrow
Aside from Michael Hutchence, a little bondage never (seriously) hurt anyone, and this sex position is no different. One partner is strapped to a cross-brace and must act as if they have no skeletal system; the other partner gets to enjoy the benefits of having someone strapped to a cross-brace in front of them. That involves groping, teasing, prodding, and just about anything else you want, just as soon as you get those cumbersome overalls unhooked. Best of all, when you are done, there’s all that straw to help clean up.

No.6 Bobbing For Boobies
This sex position is pretty self-explanatory: Fill up a bathtub with two or more breasts, stick your hands behind your back, and bob your head in until you catch yourself an endorphin rush.

No.5 Sleepy Bat
Courtesy of the public education system and some unpleasant personal experiences, we are extremely aware that it is unwise to put unprotected genitals anywhere near a sleeping bat -- that is, unless, your partner has assumed the role of a blind, flying carnivore for the evening. In this Halloween sex position, your partner will require a stable pull-up bar or shower pole on which to hang upside down. Once she is comfortably locked in, position your mouths at each others' genitals and engage in 69-ing until the sunlight comes up (or the blood rushing to her head causes your partner to pass out).

No.4 Night Of The F*Cking Dead
Squirming, convulsing and moaning isn’t something that only happens at Jack in the Box -- case in point: “Night of the F*cking Dead.” In this ingenious brain-dead Halloween sex position, partners start off in a standard missionary position, but once the male has comfortably entered the female, that’s when things really get dumb -- er, fun. Specifically, neither partner is allowed to use their arms or legs to support themselves during intercourse, leaving both sex-starved individuals to be grunting, struggling and shaking in order to get off.

No.3 Monster Mash
Only a blindfolded eunuch could watch Godzilla movies and not get riled up by the overwhelming sexual tension between Mothra and the radioactive lizard. That’s why we’re suggesting you and your partner try out the “Monster Mash” this Halloween. The premise is simple, but potentially expensive, depending on the cost of the outfit you’re willing to invest in. Go down the costume shop, pick out costumes for you and your partner, then cut out sections around the genitals in each costume; unless you’re Paris Hilton, we assume you possess the mental powers to deduce the nasty act that should follow.

No.2 Pumpkin Head
Jack-o’-lanterns are supposed to act as guides for lost spirits in the night. But in our twisted minds, they act as beacons for downright nasty things. While your girl is painting her face with orange and black makeup, you’ll cut a hole in a box to act as the table. Your girl will kneel down with her pumpkin-looking head poking out of the hole. You’ll stand in front of her, aim for the gaping black grin and put a candle of a different kind into the mouth of this jack-o’-lantern.

No.1 Witch's Brew
Wart of mute child, eye of albino newt… unless you’re Prince or Charlie Sheen, this stuff probably doesn’t turn you on. But here for Halloween is the first-ever sexy witch's brew. Though swingers would probably have an easier time accomplishing this one, a drunk girlfriend and the girl she kissed in college should suffice. The key to this position is all in the setup (and the alcohol): Fill a hot tub with brown food coloring, novelty eyeballs, Gothic candles, and two revved-up bisexual females. The bonus in this one is the post-witch's brew shower, in which you’ll either get to clean your partners or sit back and watch evil take its course.

2011 Theme

Every year we hear people say there is no way we can one up the decor we put together for our annual Halloween extravaganza yet we have yet to let anyone down. All I know is that I see so many amazing home haunts put together by the fellow posters at Halloween Forum that I have to only laugh and say just wait and see. Just as I learned when I was just a wee pirate, there will always be someone bigger (which is no small statement since I am of a rather large stature myself) and that will motivate me to strive harder to silence the naysayers.

Luckily for me, I have an amazing partner who somehow caught the BooBug as well. As she increases her tool dexterity, so does our display. If only I could find a better way to balance the BooBug so it does not take 6 months of hating my guts as we (mainly she) builds and destroys a corner lot filled with all things spooky.

So what do we have in store for you this year?

Well, the amazing Miss Julie has requested an enchanted forest so on this mission I must go. My challenge was how do I incorporate all my pirate wares into a forest? We determined that New Orleans has water, forests and pirates that could all be included in a "Boo Bayou".

Bring on the voodoo, Spanish Moss and Zydeco because we are spreading the contagion of a ragin' Cajun and won't be stoppin' til it's Fat Boosday.

I had a frenema

It took me some time but I finally deactivated my FB account.

If you were on my friends list, don't take it personal

The reason I started this whole blog thing awhile back was to break myself away from the addiction to the evil known as Facebook and attempt entertaining myself (and any not so innocent bystanders) through my own venue. I will once again share with the world everything you didn't need to know about me as well as the little gems of irrelevance I discover on my path to find the ends of the internet.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


January is National Buy Me Lotsa Presents Month.

They have gift certificates here... Hint

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Musical Offering

I have ruined many a computer over the years while boldly clicking one link too far while on my search for the ends of the internet. While this may be disappointing to some, I have found great pleasure in the treasures I have unearthed...

I have found the future of the music business and it is called Grooveshark. 10 years from now you will look back at this moment and wonder why you did not start your own business like this one. Trust me. I am right. The Captain is many things but liar he is not.

They truly do have a lot of music to offer you for free. It only costs if you wish to download the tracks.


PS: They even have URBN DK

Monday, December 28, 2009

Top songs of the decade?

The bean counters at Nielsen Ratings were so kind to share with us the most played songs of the last decade.

Country: "Something Like That" / Tim McGraw / 487,343 spins
CHR/Top 40: "Yeah" / Usher featuring Ludacris & Lil Jon / 416,267 spins
Hot AC: "Drops Of Jupiter" (Tell Me) / Train / 338,749 spins
Alternative: "Last Resort" / Papa Roach / 221,767 spins
Rhythmic: "Low" / Flo Rida featuring T-Pain / 206,864 spins
Album Rock: "It's Been Awhile" / Staind / 189,195 spins
Urban: "Drop It Like It's Hot" / Snoop Dogg featuring Pharrell / 169,511 spins
Urban AC: "Think About You" / Luther Vandross / 147,818 spins
Gospel: "Never Would Have Made It" / Marvin Sapp / 92,603 spins
Smooth Jazz: "Pacific Coast Highway" / Nils / 29,328 spins

I am pretty sure I was present for this decade yet I found myself completely ignorant to the majority of these tracks. Upon further research, I have in fact heard these yet did not find them all that memorable. It could be that it was probably at a strip club and was slightly distracted. I however can not allow myself to suffer through this alone so I dug deep into the internet to bring these gems to you.

Country: "Something Like That" / Tim McGraw / 487,343 spins

CHR/Top 40: "Yeah" / Usher featuring Ludacris & Lil Jon / 416,267 spins

Hot AC: "Drops Of Jupiter" (Tell Me) / Train / 338,749 spins

Alternative: "Last Resort" / Papa Roach / 221,767 spins

Rhythmic: "Low" / Flo Rida featuring T-Pain / 206,864 spins

Album Rock: "It's Been Awhile" / Staind / 189,195 spins

Urban: "Drop It Like It's Hot" / Snoop Dogg featuring Pharrell / 169,511 spins

Urban AC: "Think About You" / Luther Vandross / 147,818 spins

Gospel: "Never Would Have Made It" / Marvin Sapp / 92,603 spins

Smooth Jazz: "Pacific Coast Highway" / Nils / 29,328 spins

What really upsets me is that this song did not make it to the list...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Drinking Quotes

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” –Frank Sinatra

“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.” –W. C. Fields

“Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” –Homer Simpson

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” –Dean Martin

“There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”–Benjamin Franklin

“I don’t care how liberated this world becomes – a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume – and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.” –Doug Coughlin (Cocktail)

“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” –W. C. Fields

“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” –Winston Churchill

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” –Jack Handy

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” –W. C. Fields

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
–W. C. Fields

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.” –Frank Sinatra

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline… it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” –Frank Zappa

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” –Humphrey Bogart

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” –George Burns

Alcohol, Drinking and Hangovers

Oktoberfest 2009

No Place Like Home Pt 2

Continuing my references to Wisconsin from this blog...

To be continued

Why didn't you tell me about Ernest Ranglin?

I love reggae. Whether it be the textured rhythm, the groove of the bass, the uplifting yet occasional anger in the message or the subconscious feeling of the sun on my back while overlooking the crystal blue waters of the Caribbean.

Add all of that to the fact I am the kind of music fan that when he finds something he likes, he digs in. I peel back the layers in search for something even greater. I figure if you were able to create something I enjoyed, you probably had an influence of something I also would enjoy. This life long habit of mine has brought me quite a few gems as well as a very large music collection.

Having this penchant for research is what surprises me that I never heard of this man. While I am sure I have HEARD him, I had no idea who he was or that such an amazingly original player existed. I am embarrassed to say I did not know who basically invented the reggae guitar style and sound.

Ernest Ranglin

May you find as much pleasure in this as I have.


Saturday, December 19, 2009

Proud Catholic Parents

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D, 24, 34" . When she walks into a room, people say, "My God."

No Place Like Home Pt 1

What does it say about a person when you hear where they are from?
Is there a preconceived picture relating to everywhere?
Do all zip codes come standard with a stereotype?

While I do not find myself qualifying as the atypical cheesehead, there are many things about where I am from that make up who I am. I will build upon this on an ongoing basis but I wanted to start a social experiment by posting a collection of some of the most screwed up, twisted or just down right funny stories from America's Dairyland. At some yet to be determined date in the future, I will come back to this collection to see how they all relate to themselves as well as myself.

This could get interesting.

We will start with this one.

So a Guy Walks Into a Bar With a Staplegun...

Or how about a Christmas Carol by the police department of my old home town

Friday, December 18, 2009

...And the winner for The Most Caucasian Band goes to

OK. I am not going to say I am the most knowledgeable person on the planet when it comes to music but I know Whitey when I see him. He is alive and well while touring in a vintage bus and singing lyrics like "Chocolate Candy Jesus Christ"

Either way, I think I like them even if they can't dance.

We Gather The Distinguished

I have fond memories of my pops working at a public radio station. While his own amazing voice was rarely heard, the sounds and thoughts my mind was exposed to at that point in my life left a lasting impression. The majority of what he played were prerecorded programs where he would flip from one tape to the next. Surrounded by electronics and music, my early teenage mind had me on full nerd alert. I briefly attempted to pursue this memory as a career and had my own prime time radio show but the mystique wore off as I realized that I would have to do and play what I was told.

I do, however, still listen to public radio to this day. NPR offers a wide spectrum of aural delights sure to please everyone at some point. This time of year I find myself enjoying it even more. Please take a moment and listen in to this eclectic collection of Holiday music they have provided. You might find something new to fall in love with too. Let me know your favorite.

All Songs Considered